This past week, I’ve found myself wishing harder than ever for a crystal ball. To look ahead a month, a week, a year and see that this fog has cleared, and that just as everyone in the world has always said, “This to shall pass.” Because amongst all of the fun “saucy” posts and the little bits of hate mail regarding my handwriting (just typing that still baffles me!) there’s been a profound sadness, a worry, a heaviness flowing through my life lately.
As you get older, I feel like there is pressure. Pressure to figure things out, to make your life what you want it. I feel like I blink and it’s Friday again, another week in the books. I look over my lesson plans, one of the steadiest ways for me to mark time, and marvel at all I’ve taught, and cringe at all that’s left to teach. Still, I feel like things are flying by at warp speed, and I wonder: is this it? Am I missing out? Is this current madness all there is, and all I want?
Sometimes, I just don’t know what to do. My life is so settled in some ways, but so unsettled in others. I’ve spent nearly two years with the same person by my side. There have been ups and downs, roller coasters of emotions and feelings and events, questions about whether or not we should stay or split or keep trying or give up. And yes, there is love. There has always been love. But I hate to say this—I think the Beatles are full of shit. Sometimes, love isn’t all you need.
With love, there comes sacrifice. There comes aligning your purposes with another person—and not just in stupid ways, like ordering Chinese food for her when he’s been craving pizza all week. It means saying, “Hey you…I’ll put __________ on hold for you. I’ll live here, I’ll move there, I’ll give something up for you.” And I suppose lately, I’ve been wondering if we’re both giving up too much for the other, or if we can both re-work, re-think, re-mold our expectations for life in order to have them fit comfortably together.
The thing is, I’ve done that before. I’ve taken a chance on someone, and said those magic words: I DO. I do take you, I do choose you, I DO. And I will. And let’s be honest: DIDN’T GO SO WELL. But I know I want it, again. I want it better than before, and more than before. It’s on my radar. Ever since I was a kid, I’ve known that I wanted and needed to have a family, a partner, a “person.” I want to have kids and be a mama, and have people in the world I like best of all and know that they feel the same. Sometimes, it’s a burden—to want something so much.
On the other hand, for some people, this need is not there. It’s a passing thought, a cloud. It’s maybe on the horizon, a little speck, but the desire isn’t there yet. Sure, there is desire, a thought that maybe I’ll do that, maybe someday. But that’s not sure. That’s not security. Plus, before you reach that spot, there are mountains to climb and adventures to have. And while sure, you’d love to have that partner with you, it’s the journey, it’s not the destination.
I guess what I want to know, what I wish I could predict is if those two dreams, those separate ways of seeing the world will ever meet up, and become one. Are we foolish to let go of one another’s hands, of that comfort, of that hard-fought love because of practical things? Or, is it like ripping off a bandage, where yes, it will hurt, but then it will heal, and before you know it, this thing will be the tiny speck, the memory you look back on from up on that new horizon?
I wish I knew what to do, friends.