Clean house…

Sometimes, when I clean our apartment, I get very indignant, and think (and mutter) things like, “UGH!  This takes FOREVER!” and occasionally look up maid prices while huffing and puffing around.  Really?  It’s not that bad.  At one time, it took me 3-5 hours to clean my apartment.

No, you didn’t read that incorrectly.  3-5 hours for a fairly small apartment.

Let me just tell you about my old living situation.  I lived with another girl in her 20’s, who for the sake of the blog, I’ll nickname “Sara” who I found on Craigslist.  What I didn’t pick up on was the cautionary tone of her ad, which read something along the lines of, “If you can’t handle someone who leaves their shoes in the living room and their keys on the coffee table, we probably shouldn’t live together.”   I thought I could handle it, and moved in.

Let the crazy games begin!

First, the thing that spurned this blog: THE MESSINESS.  Yes, there were shoes and keys, but there were also dishes with month-old food in them molding over.  There were piles of clothes, and her thousands of books.  And her EVERYTHING, all kept in our living room.  At first, I would dutifully clean up after her—pile all of her crap in one area and really scrub down the house.  It would take hours, and tons of garbage bags and really wreaked havoc on my gag reflex.  One time, I out and out refused to do her dishes for a month.  I guess she finally caught on, because I brought a friend home to watch a movie in my room, and when he and I walked by my bathroom, there was Sara: DOING ALL HER DISHES IN THE BATHTUB.  There were soooo many, and we had no dishwasher, so she figured filling up our tub with hot water and dishsoap and carting alllll her dishes into the bathroom was her best bet.

Suffice it to say, I didn’t eat at home for awhile.

Secondly, the girl was out and out nutty sometimes.  And RUDE.  After the great Bathtub Dish Washing Incident, our shower was clogged.  She refused to get it fixed, claiming that my hair was to blame.  Um, what!?  She really didn’t see the link between the two, and refused to pay.  I offered to halve it with her, and she refused.  Thankfully, I was basically living with Andrew at that point, and could just shower there.  Let me just tell you how much I LOVED paying rent for a place when the shower was unusable.  She, by the way, continued using OUR CLOGGED SHOWER, as if there was no problem.

My favorite story, though, was how she accused Andrew of downloading porn on her computer THAT HE NEVER TOUCHED.  Apparently, she contracted some virus that populated her computer with ads for golf, hair loss and erectile dysfunction.  She called me—while I was vacationing in Napa with girlfriends, no less—to accuse my boyfriend of downloading porn on a computer he didn’t know existed because those ads were clearly things “a guy like him would be into.”  Sara told everyone she knew—her parents, co-workers and friends—that her roommate’s boyfriend had an addiction.  She also threatened to evict me.  Until she took her computer to the Geek Squad, and they informed her that she’d downloaded a bad copy of a video or some such.  WHOOPSIE.

When I finally told her I was moving out to move in with Andrew, the snide comments began.  First was, “It’s so funny how life turns out—just LOOKING at you and I, you’d never guess that YOU would be the one moving out with a boyfriend.  I thought it’d be me!”  Thank you for essentially saying you think I’m not hot enough for a boyfriend.  Next came her asking me if I’d seen a tall, thin guy hanging out in front of our apartment.  When I said that yes, I’d seen him, she said, “He’s my new roomie!  The total opposite of you—he’s tall and skinny, you’re short and…dynamic!”

Needless to say, moving out wasn’t the hardest decision I’ve ever made.

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18 Comments

Filed under life with titch

18 responses to “Clean house…

  1. Daymn. Just…wow. I’ve never had great luck with roommates, particularly because of the mess issue, but that puts my past roomies to shame. I’m a cluttermonkey myself and that’s waaaaaay out of my realm of comfort.

  2. Gross! Dishes in the bathtub!?!?! Come on, Sara. Seriously.

    I think we all get a few shitty roommates along the way. This was yours.

  3. Ari

    Wow! What a bitch!! I thought my ex-roomies were bad but yours definately takes the cake.

  4. Oh dear god. I had a crazy roommate several years ago, but WOW. I think yours takes the cake. What is wrong with people?! Sheesh.

  5. Ugh! Bad roommates are the worse. She sounded like a real gem of a bad, bad, bad roommate.

  6. Wow, just…wow. How can people be so rude?? But you were the one with the boyfriend in the end, and she was the one left behind. Not hard to see why!

  7. Dude, that sounds a little nightmarish. Here’s to sane! roommates, that you also get to kiss; bonus!

    I once had a roommate (who I dearly love, don’t get me wrong, BUT) who left licked peanut butter spoons in random places throughout the apartment. Like, it was her favorite thing to eat peanut butter off a spoon, and so she would, yay, and then she would forget she set said peanut butter spoon(s) down on the couch, or the coffee table, or ON TOP OF THE TOILET, I’M NOT EVEN KIDDING.

  8. I *love* living alone, almost 10 years of roommates was MORE than enough for me! I have been accused of things I didn’t do, but I never had one so crazy as to think doing the dishes in the bathtub was a good idea…

  9. Yecch, I’m still feeling all creepy-crawly just THINKING about dishes in the bathtub. Why is it that there is so much understating of one’s own messiness in the world? Did she just think it was *normal*? Because, ew.

  10. Charlotte

    What caliber of roommate would one expect to find if that roommate is found on Craigslist. Talking about “ew”

  11. Katy

    I was practically living with him at the time, so this was nearly a roommate, but my bf had a roomie that was so disgusting that it still makes my skin crawl. He would fall asleep and drool on himself, regularly.

    There was a smell that we could not seem to get rid of… rotting… disgusting… I’m sure you’ve smelled something similar. We tried everything. Cleaned the entire kitchen, poured gallons of bleach down the sink, ect. The only place we didn’t look was the oven, because we refused to cook in there (the only reason we even cleaned the kitchen was to try to exterminate the smell, but the dishes were the same as yours… they would have require a bathtub). Finally, we open the oven, and TA-DA! Month old rotted chicken carcass, completely green and orange from decomposition. Fun, huh? LOVVEEE roommates!

  12. stevie1080

    And by the way, does anyone remember the Seinfeld episode where Kramer decides to save time and wash his dishes while he bathes? Hilarious on the show, not so hilarious in real life.

  13. Oh, man. This is bad.

    I had an awful roommate my first year away at college. (50% of the reason I moved back home) We lived in a dorm so it was just us two in a tiny, itsy-bitsy room and she had some of the most awful habits. Once, she left an apple core out on top of our microwave for weeks. (I left it there to see how long it would take her to move the apple from the microwave to the trash…six steps away) She would also leave opened peanut butter jars out and her room was always, always so messy. And her boyfriend would steal my food. Never asked or anything. (I would’ve been fine with it if I could have gotten a “PLEASE?”) And once he stole ALL of my drinks. I can back from work with NOTHING to drink. It was awful and I screamed down the hall about what a crappy person she was. And probably 3 weeks later she moved into a different dorm with another girl. It was SO NICE having the room all to myself in the spring. 🙂

    But your roommate story? Worst I’ve ever heard!

  14. to say i have been there is an understatement. i actually had to leave my appartment, get my now husband to drive 3.5 hours to get me (where i was in school) as my psycho roomie would write my schedules down, make sure that i was doing homework after i got home from working at the bar; get angry when i went home to visit him; be sad when i went out with other people; chased me with a friggen chef knife and rubber gloves while holding a whole chicken and more….i used to freeze her bras and underware; disorganize the movies she sorted alphabetically and also rearranged her notes occasionally …lifes a bitch and then you move!

  15. LOL. this is seriously hilarious.
    Thank you for making my day with this funny post 🙂
    Keep them coming^_^

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