Things I Do Not Trust

My hilarious friend Emily wrote a post recently about things she doesn’t trust.  Being a bit of a paranoid little bunny, there is a list a mile long of things I don’t trust.  But, here are just the highlights.

You’re welcome.

1)  Other drivers. If you as much as waver slightly towards my lane, I freak out.  If you look suspicious or as if you might possibly move anywhere near my car, I slow down.  Oh, and I probably insult your mother, too.  And your outfit, and wish something terrible on you.  Driving is something I do for HOURS every day, but it never fails to make me nervous.  If everyone could just stay in their own lane, and not cut me off or do anything scary, I would be a much happier person.  I just cannot find it within myself to trust other drivers.

2)  Docks. Whenever I walk on wood planks over water, I am CONVINCED that they will break.  Also, what is the deal with the wood on those always being extra wobbly?  I feel like they’re never fully steady or stay in place or seem as if they were constructed by someone competent.  I am always wary of walking on them, and trying my hardest not to fall through the wood INTO THE FREEZING WATERS BELOW.

3)  Airplanes and airports.  I am a super neurotic flyer.  I am one of those wackadoos who shows up for flights 2 hours early because I am convinced that there will be some incident, making it impossible for me to be on time.  I look for my boarding pass a billion times and worry about my carry on and basically lose my mind.  And once I’m on the plane?  Every noise signifies serious! issues!  Every noise from my seatmate means vomit is eminent.  I just don’t trust it.  If you ever want to see me really and truly freaked out, fly with me.

4) Direct deposit. For some reason, I have this irrational fear that one month, my paycheck will be forgotten.  Just…abandoned.  And that I’ll call and somehow, I’ll have been deleted from my district’s payroll and won’t get paid.  And no one will be able to do anything, and then I’ll just be poor and homeless.  Yes, I have a boyfriend and a family that would OBVIOUSLY help me, should something that is virtually impossible actually occur, but this knowledge does not keep me from waking up before any other human on payday and logging into my bank account via my iPhone JUST TO BE SURE.

5)  Food. I am convinced, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that all food is secretly past it’s expiration date.  I smell my dairy.  I bleach my counters like crazy if I fear that there may be some sort of contaminant.  I literally fear raw meat, convinced that I will somehow acquire yet another case of salmonella (third grade was rough, yo).  I put everything in the refrigerator immediately.  I refuse to eat things from people whose cleanliness I question.  If food has been leftover for more than 24 hours, has been out of the refrigerator for more than 30 minutes or has been exposed to any sort of heat and/or picnic situation, I am NOT eating it.  No way, no how.  I have turned down perfectly delicious looking food because WHO KNOWS HOW LONG IT’S BEEN OUT.

6)  Anyone around my laptop. I love my laptop.  In fact, one of the longest-running jokes between Andrew and I involves him MOCKING me for cautioning him around my laptop because (and yes, I actually said this!) “it cost nearly $2,000!”  And it’s nice.  It’s a great computer.  And I love it.  But I don’t want anyone else to love it.  I carefully make sure water and other liquids are never near it, out of fear that Harry cat will get it wet in the middle of the night.  I don’t want anyone else using it, looking at it, touching it, sitting at the table where it is at.  I do not trust anyone but me to use it.  Weird?  Absolutely.

7)  Dressing rooms. I cannot tell you how many times I have been walked in on, had my door opened, had a small child CRAWL UNDERNEATH MY DOOR while I am in a state of undress.  I check the lock a ridiculous amount of times, but I spend that entire few minutes in that tiny, sweaty, DIRTY room getting in and out of clothing like the store is ON FIRE.

So, I’ve obviously established that I’m crazy and untrusting.  What things do you NOT trust, despite it being irrational?

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16 Comments

Filed under life with titch

16 responses to “Things I Do Not Trust

  1. I too do NOT trust other drivers. All of them are drunk, texting, and going to kill me. And honestly, they drive like it too.

    On the other hand, I LOVE DirectDeposit. It’s the best thing ever!

    And don’t get me started on dressing rooms. I always wear my nicest underwear, just in case.

  2. I am the exact same way about other drivers.

    And not about dressing rooms, but public restrooms- I check the lock 3 times and still worry that for some reason the lock won’t work and someone will walk in on me. I hate when you’re in the restroom and you hear someone knock and try the door at the same time. Dude, knock and listen first in case the lock IS broken.

  3. I don’t trust cab drivers. They never seem to know where they hell they’re going, and I swear, they gab on their cell phones more than I do.

    Are you feeling any better???

  4. I don’t trust people dressed up as characters where they shouldn’t be. For example, there are people in Times Square who dress up as SpongeBob, Minnie Mouse, Elmo, etc. They should not be there!! SpongeBob should be at Universal Studios, Minnie at Disney, and Elmo at Sesame Place. NOT at Times Square! They freak me out. And clowns. I don’t trust clowns. 🙂

  5. Why are all docks old? Like, aren’t they new at some point? I’ve yet to encounter a nice, new dock. Ever.

  6. I don’t trust other drivers either. If someone swerves near me I will speed up to get as far away from them as possible. I’m with you on the dock thing too. I don’t trust slats of wood laying over a watery grave.

  7. Christina

    I agree on the drivers – in my mind I am the only person on the road at any point that I am driving that knows what I am doing and how to get to my destination safely, causing no harm to myself or others.

    I also have this distrust of other people’s laundry habits. I know this sounds odd, but I can’t stand musty towels, in fact, if it a freakish phobia for me and I don’t trust other people to wash their towels and dry them promptly in order to avoid that musty smell. Judge me if you will….

  8. I am the exact same type of flyer you are! And my family lives in Seattle, NY, and Rio, so we do a lot of flying. When we go to Rio, I must check my passport expiration 100 times in the weeks leading up to the trip. And then…. I will check them again at the airport juuuust in case. Freak. I know.

    You are wise about food. I stayed with a family in Spain once who gave me a lovely dinner of salmon with a “cream sauce”. The next day when I didn’t feel well, they said “it couldn’t have been the sauce, they made that mayonaise themselves!” I looked around, and did not see a fridge. Yes. They gave me salmon and mayo dish that had been sitting ouside in the August heat of Spain all day. Needless to say, I was in bed for 5 days and lost 14 lbs.

  9. I do the dressing room thing in the public bathroom. Like, I don’t trust the door lock. I’ve been walked in on a bunch of times, when I could have sworn I locked it. So at a gas station or Target or whatever, I’m just like “pee fast pee fast pee fast!”

  10. I’ve never ridden on an airplane but I am the exact same way in my everyday life. Before I leave for work in the morning, I have to make sure I have everythin I need (3 times), make sure my straightener is off (3 times), make sure I didn’t accidently turn the oven on… It’s just a mess!

  11. Katie

    I’m totally paranoid about food too! In fact, I don’t really like to eat anything at room temperature, it just seems safer if it’s hot or cold.

  12. Mel

    Like everyone else, I agree and don’t trust other drivers either. Too many close calls for that!

    I don’t trust other people not to touch me. Mostly this is my issue (neurotic though it may be). But I try to stay well out of others’ bubbles most of the time, lest a drunk guy try to move me, someone pat my head (I’m on the short side), or an over-exuberant stranger slap my arm to help them make a point. Most of the time I’m thinking “I learned to keep my hands to myself in preschool!”

  13. Tim will leave our new laptop open on the bed….or on the couch….or on the ARM of the couch…and when I see it, I swear my blood pressure SKYROCKETS. I have these images of little people touching it with slimy hands, or better yet, jumping on top of it and snapping it in two. And I always have the same reaction (although I try to keep it inside my head) “do you know how much that thing cost?!” (As if he doesn’t know. As if it didn’t come out of HIS paycheck. BUT STILL.

  14. That’s not weird; that’s prudent! $2000 is a lot of money!

  15. totally with ya on the boarding pass thing. i am a fuh-reak about that.

    also, when i’m a mom someday, i anticipate being a freak about forgetting my kids at school, rather NOT forgetting them. my dad used to forget me. a lot.

  16. I ALSO LOVE MY LAPTOP! NO TOUCHIES!

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