My hilarious friend Emily wrote a post recently about things she doesn’t trust. Being a bit of a paranoid little bunny, there is a list a mile long of things I don’t trust. But, here are just the highlights.
1) Other drivers. If you as much as waver slightly towards my lane, I freak out. If you look suspicious or as if you might possibly move anywhere near my car, I slow down. Oh, and I probably insult your mother, too. And your outfit, and wish something terrible on you. Driving is something I do for HOURS every day, but it never fails to make me nervous. If everyone could just stay in their own lane, and not cut me off or do anything scary, I would be a much happier person. I just cannot find it within myself to trust other drivers.
2) Docks. Whenever I walk on wood planks over water, I am CONVINCED that they will break. Also, what is the deal with the wood on those always being extra wobbly? I feel like they’re never fully steady or stay in place or seem as if they were constructed by someone competent. I am always wary of walking on them, and trying my hardest not to fall through the wood INTO THE FREEZING WATERS BELOW.
3) Airplanes and airports. I am a super neurotic flyer. I am one of those wackadoos who shows up for flights 2 hours early because I am convinced that there will be some incident, making it impossible for me to be on time. I look for my boarding pass a billion times and worry about my carry on and basically lose my mind. And once I’m on the plane? Every noise signifies serious! issues! Every noise from my seatmate means vomit is eminent. I just don’t trust it. If you ever want to see me really and truly freaked out, fly with me.
4) Direct deposit. For some reason, I have this irrational fear that one month, my paycheck will be forgotten. Just…abandoned. And that I’ll call and somehow, I’ll have been deleted from my district’s payroll and won’t get paid. And no one will be able to do anything, and then I’ll just be poor and homeless. Yes, I have a boyfriend and a family that would OBVIOUSLY help me, should something that is virtually impossible actually occur, but this knowledge does not keep me from waking up before any other human on payday and logging into my bank account via my iPhone JUST TO BE SURE.
5) Food. I am convinced, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that all food is secretly past it’s expiration date. I smell my dairy. I bleach my counters like crazy if I fear that there may be some sort of contaminant. I literally fear raw meat, convinced that I will somehow acquire yet another case of salmonella (third grade was rough, yo). I put everything in the refrigerator immediately. I refuse to eat things from people whose cleanliness I question. If food has been leftover for more than 24 hours, has been out of the refrigerator for more than 30 minutes or has been exposed to any sort of heat and/or picnic situation, I am NOT eating it. No way, no how. I have turned down perfectly delicious looking food because WHO KNOWS HOW LONG IT’S BEEN OUT.
6) Anyone around my laptop. I love my laptop. In fact, one of the longest-running jokes between Andrew and I involves him MOCKING me for cautioning him around my laptop because (and yes, I actually said this!) “it cost nearly $2,000!” And it’s nice. It’s a great computer. And I love it. But I don’t want anyone else to love it. I carefully make sure water and other liquids are never near it, out of fear that Harry cat will get it wet in the middle of the night. I don’t want anyone else using it, looking at it, touching it, sitting at the table where it is at. I do not trust anyone but me to use it. Weird? Absolutely.
7) Dressing rooms. I cannot tell you how many times I have been walked in on, had my door opened, had a small child CRAWL UNDERNEATH MY DOOR while I am in a state of undress. I check the lock a ridiculous amount of times, but I spend that entire few minutes in that tiny, sweaty, DIRTY room getting in and out of clothing like the store is ON FIRE.
So, I’ve obviously established that I’m crazy and untrusting. What things do you NOT trust, despite it being irrational?