I’ve written before about what it’s like to have a boyfriend who plays poker for a living, but I don’t think I’ve written about the joy that is Reno, NV, where many major tournament series’ are held. Andrew and I make the drive up here fairy regularly so he can play some larger games. And while I generally love being here with him, enjoying a hotel room with an amazing bed and getting good sleep, I have to admit that Reno itself is a totally trashy, weird city.
Reno is a poor man’s Vegas. If Vegas is comprised of the glitz and the glam of a midway, than Reno is comprised of the carnies who clean it up. Vegas is crawling with beautiful people and action and excitement, and Reno is full of…well, I don’t even know how to describe it.
Let me just tell you about my first two hours here yesterday: I arrived, had valet take my car (oh please—it’s free!) and entered the casino. I needed to use the restroom before finding Andrew, so I found my way through a sea of mullets, denim on denim ensembles and a billion little kids running towards the arcade. I finally entered the women’s restroom, did my thing, and as I was leaving, I heard a woman start to puke. Cue panic for me! Once outside, I was headed towards the poker room when an adolescent boy jumped out from behind a trashcan and scared me to death. Like, enough to make me shout, “What the eff is WRONG WITH YOU?” He apologized and said he thought I was his friend.
Next, I dodged a crowd of 40-something women wearing matching slot tournament t-shirts, a crew of dudes spilling beers all over the place, including on my shoes. I kept walking until I was blocked. Not by any ordinary person, but by a woman whose adult midget child was clinging to her back. I felt badly, but I really couldn’t stop LOOKING because I am obviously a terrible person. But the man-child was just hanging there, clinging like a monkey.
This, my friends, is Reno. Sound intriguing? Care to book a vacation? How do you know if Reno is for you?
Reno is the place for you if you enjoy…
—Wearing denim jeans, with denim jacket and denim embroidered shirts. Denim is the official fabric of Reno!
—Have a mullet! The 80’s never die in Reno!
—Being a cougar. There are a million lovely cover bands playing shows in casinos so you can wear your daughter’s clothes and get down and dirty with it!
—Eating at buffets! Be sure to get in line at least 45 minutes early, just in case they run out of crab!
—Walking impossibly slow. Seriously. If it takes you 30+ minutes to navigate the floor of a casino, this is the place for you!
—Are you a chain smoker? These are your people. You’ll fit in even better if you like blowing it in people’s faces!
—Do you talk to yourself? Please sit yourself in front of a machine, place yourself in an elevator and make yourself at home.
—Rock rapist glasses and pedophile beards?
This, my friends, is Reno. Visit soon. And by visit, I mean SAVE ME!