So, last week’s post was all sweetness and light and “I’m going to accept my body, yay!” and then?
Then I saw pictures of myself at The Blathering.
My first response was tears. Partially, yes, because I was tired and I was overwhelmed with all of the emotions I felt at meeting such awesome ladies and bonding and then getting emails and Tweets and realizing that this weekend was just the beginning of some friendships I hope will last. But the other part was totally moments of, “Holy shit, you’re FATTER THAN YOU’VE EVER BEEN.”
It’s hard to look at yourself and see yourself that way. I’m sorry. It just sucks.
It made me realize that yes, I can be nice to myself about it, but I need to do something. This weekend (here comes the cheese!) was such a great reminder of a few things. First, that there are amazing people in the world—people I like and who (I think!) liked me. Secondly, I was reminded—multiple times—that I am more than a number on a scale or my outfits or what I look like because people took me in just the same. But I was also reminded that for me, I need to look good AND feel good in order to be happy.
The awesome (and seriously, y’all–she is even more amazing-er in real life) Moose sent an email out to a little Get Healthy group she’s been running and it contained a reminder that her boss shared with her: that really, we all hold ourselves back. I am a big fan of The Blame, and so it hit me right where it needed to—I am holding myself back in this area. I can make the choice to do things differently.
I’ve been wrestling with this: asking why, asking what I need to do to make this situation better, and how. Still, another friend challenged me in a different way regarding my attitude, asking that if I can show myself forgiveness for other situations in my life, why is it so impossible for me to be nice to myself while on this journey?! It’s true—I operate either in totally militant, “I’m fat, ugly and disgusting and who would like me and I’m such a mess” mode OR blatant lazy, procrastinating, self-sabatoge mode. I need to find a happy medium.
And that, my friends, is the catch. I’ll let you know if/when/how I figure it out. I want to exist in a happy medium, where sure, I get myself out of bed in the morning to workout, but sans the self-hate and self-deprecation that seems to accompany it.
For those of you who are doing it…HOW? How do you manage this?