The thing is that once your life has fallen apart once, you know you can put it back together. In fact, you know exactly what to do. I like the unshakable confidence that no matter what, I know what’s inside of myself, and I know I will be okay. Sadly, this doesn’t make the process even easier.
Sometimes—okay, all the time—I wish that there was someone who could make decisions for me. As a child, life is so easy: parents, teachers and grown-ups make choices for you. Sure, you get a small choice in whether or not you want to play soccer or wear the red dress or the pink one, or if you want to attend that classmate’s birthday party. But the choices that matter are saved for the adults who know so much better than you do. Sometimes, I wish for a magic grown-up, to follow me around and say “Yes, do this!” or “No, don’t!” on the decisions I face.
And while I realize that I am that grown-up, that really, I know what’s best for me inside and I can make my own choices and all of those cliche things we tell ourselves, sometimes I think we get a raw deal. I wish I had a Magic 8-Ball for real problems, that was accurate and insightful. Or a crystal ball, where you could take a peek ahead at your future, and see that yes, everything really does turn out okay. Sure, there is temporary pain, there are tears, and lonely nights and cold mornings, but in the end, it will be okay.
Lately, I’ve been reading this poem over and over again, because I know it is right.
When your eyes are tired
the world is tired also.
When your vision has gone
no part of the world can find you.
Time to go into the dark
where the night has eyes
to recognize its own.
There you can be sure
you are not beyond love.
The dark will be your womb
The night will give you a horizon
further than you can see.
You must learn one thing:
the world was made to be free in.
Give up all the other worlds
except the one to which you belong.
Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet
confinement of your aloneness
anything or anyone
that does not bring you alive
is too small for you.
~ David Whyte ~
If only, if only, if only it was easier.