Dear Prius Driver of Highway 99,
Happy Friday! Aren’t you glad it’s Friday? I sure am. Do you know what I love about Friday? That I don’t have to drive with idiots like you down a long stretch of highway for 2 full days. Yep, it makes me happy.
I just wanted to offer you a few tips. You’re all about that stuff, right? I mean, you drive a totally pretentious earth friendly car, meaning you’re probably all into interconnectedness and the earth and shit. So, here’s a little message from one of it’s inhabitants. First of all, there’s a little thing called the fast lane. See, it’s for people who enjoy driving fast. That’s right, quickly! So, your speed of 45 miles per hour on a road where most of us prefer to drive at a speed that would get us a ticket for reckless endangerment is rather unwelcome.
The cool thing about being trapped behind you for 10 miles was a chance to read all of your nifty bumper stickers. Sure, you have the typical Prius-owner sticker that reads “Yes.” but you also had several very sweet sentiments like “Coexist” made of all the varied religious symbols, something about the world knowing peace and stopping hate. I felt very zen for about 45 seconds. Until I realized that you were NOT going to speed up. Then, I felt like you should know more than peace—you should know the sensation of my car ramming into the back of yours.
Still, Prius-driver, I restrained myself. I sat patiently behind you, until the semi that had been trapping me in moved. And that, little Prius is when things got interesting. I decided to pass you on the right, as did all 10 cars behind me. I wanted to raise a sign that read, “See? IT’S NOT MY FAULT WE’VE BEEN CRAWLING ALONG THE FREEWAY!” once they saw you. I felt so vindicated as I attempted to pass. But then, Prius, you got pissed.
I’m not sure which was funnier—watching you attempt to yell at me through your window OR the double middle fingers you threw up at my face while driving. It’s a close call! But do you know what wasn’t funny? You trying to speed up in order to stop me from passing you. That, Prius, made me want to post a big sign on my car that read NO. Because you definitely shouldn’t get so angry OR try and prevent people from passing you when you drive at such ridiculously slow speeds.
Anyways, I hope your anger management drum circle rocks tonight! Remember to pay attention to the lane you’re in!