My first born…

Internet, I have to tell you something. Knowing me now, this may not come as a total shock, but the truth is that I used to be a pretentious bitch (HAHAHAHAHAHAHA—I’m still that way, it’s a joke, yo). Why, pray tell, did I have this revelation this week? We’ve had to do a few “reflective” exercises about our high school and college years, and I was reminded of two particular things that were exceptionally annoying about me.

In sixth grade, I read a book that remains one of my favorite young adult novels, Here’s To You, Rachel Robinson. Rachel is a teenager who is practically perfect to an adult: she plays the flute, listens to classical music, gets perfect grades and has OCD about her room being perfectly clean. Around the same time, I read a Sweet Valley High novel about a model student (the title escapes me, and I scoured Amazon to no avail). Jessica and Elizabeth (who stood at 5″6, wore a size six, had sparkling eyes the color of the ocean and drove a red Fiat! Dumb bitches!) were competing to become the Model Student of Sweet Valley, and doing things like making a checklist of chores and arranging their perfectly ironed outfits.

Anyways, at age 12, I decided to make these book characters my idols. I began reading Shakespeare, cleaning my room, doing perfect work, practicing my clarinet and basically being annoying. I remember chastising my dad for playing rock music at a slightly elevated volume, something I considered highly irritating. I thought that this was the ideal to lust after…until I discovered Green Day, started middle school and decided I liked No Doubt, being slightly irresponsible and enjoying myself.

Sadly, my pretentiousness didn’t stop there. No, I’m quite ashamed to say that when I started college, I had quite a love affair with the idea of getting a Ph.D. I envisioned myself being called “Dr.” and having some 50 page thesis to my credit. I loved the idea of studying for years, and then emerging, a totally respected, educated person.

Sounds fine, right? Except for one line I grew quite fond of. People would ask me when my ex and I were going to have kids, and that, my friends, is where I’d say this:

“My first born’s name will be Ph.D.”

Yes, this line came out of my mouth more than once. In fact, a lot more than once.

While I am still a snob sometimes, still enjoy classical music, and still want to go to grad school, if you ever, EVER hear me uttering anything as pretentious and annoying as that, PLEASE PUNCH ME IN THE FACE.

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8 Comments

Filed under life with titch

8 responses to “My first born…

  1. Madeline

    hahaha, that’s funny

  2. This is hilarious! It’s crazy how the expectations of others (even those presented to us in a book) can sink in so deep, especially when they don’t come close to our own expectations. I find I’m constantly fighting against of the social norm of being a college graduate for the life I truly desire for myself.
    Be the person YOU want to be, to hell with everyone else.

  3. Haha, oh wait, so I’m not supposed to think that’s the best answer I’ve ever heard to that question? Whoops. I think the question of “so when are you two having kids?!” is so rude and intrusive that it deserves a borderline-rude answer that will shut people up. Your reproductive plans are your business, nobody else’s. I know that’s not the point but anyway!

  4. Mighty Mouse

    Lol, the at the Wakefield Twins description! So funny!

  5. Mighty Mouse

    Lol at the Wakefield twins description!

  6. haha, yeaa that is pretty rude. But at least you realized it…eventually!

    P.S. I love classical music too

  7. Haha I used to OD on Sweet Valley. I was always so fascinated by their blond hair & blue eyes. Completely different from me – black hair & brown eyes. Regardless, they always set the ideal standard of ‘coolness’ for me back then. I guess it’s a part of growing up. 😛

    Lol @ the “My first born’s name will be Ph.D.”

  8. kel

    I loved the Sweet Valley High/Twins books. But, come to think of it, I would’ve HATED those bitches if they were in my school.

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