I had some sugar today.
First, before you judge me, I think you should know that I am stuck in freaking work training, and if I didn’t have wicked internet paranoia, I’d write all about the human I experienced today who was basically all of my pet peeves (a loud chewing, cliche-spitting, arrogant, leg-shaking and therefore table shaking, shusher (SHHHHH!!!!) who said “AHHHH!” after every sip of liquid and grunting while drinking coffee) ROLLED INTO ONE AWFUL PERSON, seated next to me for a workshop to the point that I had to get up and walk around because he was making me stabby. Or I’d tell you about the ridiculous claps people who work for this program do, including the “woosh” and the “hamburger cheer” and the fake-perkiness of so many teachers, something that I’ve yet to develop in two years of teaching.
Anyways, after a long morning, I joined some friends for lunch, where I resisted both pizza AND an ice cream sundae shared among the group. I felt rock solid! I smugly ate my cream-free asparagus soup and drank my lemon water and felt very proud of myself.
Until I was seated at a table with all of my foodie weaknesses, aligned in front of me. Seriously: Midnight Milky Way, 3 Musketeers, Banana Laffy Taffy, all mini-size, staring at me. Oh, and dark chocolate, Ghiradelli, obviously. Is it even fair? Did someone come plant every single freaking candy I love (with the very obvious absence of gummy bears and such) in front of me? Like a big, “Hey, Amy…you think you’re all self-righteous with your freaking asparagus soup and such, but really, you’re weak?”
After a particularly rough reading of a boring article, I caved. One piece of dark chocolate wouldn’t hurt, right? And it wouldn’t have hurt. HAD I HAD ONE.
Instead, I consumed a few, and immediately commenced beating myself up for being such a freaking idiot for caving in so easily.
And the irony? Instead of feeling relieved, satiated, HAPPY WITH THE SUGAR, you know how I felt?
Terrible. Instant headache. Anxious. Disgusting. Absolutely foul.
I suppose it’s a good thing, because it definitely increased my resolve not to eat sugar any more, because I felt so gross. But even a small, temporary high would have been amazing, because I wanted it SO BAD.
So, now I’m not only a sugar failure, I’m a sugar failure with a splitting headache.