Road Rage

I spend a ridiculous amount of time in my car. My commute is an hour each way—WITHOUT traffic. On days with heavy traffic, I’ve been in my car for over two hours, just trying to make it home. That being said, I’ve gotten to drive among a lot of different sorts of people, and I would like to ask that everyone adhere to the following rules:

1) Please don’t stare at me. Listen, I’m in there for at least two hours a day. Sometimes, after a long day home, I need to either shake it to Black Eyed Peas or Hot Chip, sing angrily with Lily Allen, or cry at a story on NPR or a Taylor Swift song. Don’t judge me. But also, don’t freaking stare. It’s my steel castle, OK? Let me do what I want.

2) DRIVE. If you don’t want to go 85 miles an hour, fine, but guess what? I DO. So, let me. Get into the right lane when you see me comin’. I have a secret fantasy where Ludacris is blared from my car when I approach someone going slow, so that they can hear “Move, bitch! Get out ‘da way, get out ‘da way!” when I honk my horn. Since that’s not gonna happen, just freaking move. I know where the cops hide, I know where I can speed, and where I should not. After two years of driving this hellish freeway, I know what to do. So let me.

3) I would like to request that semi-trucks avoid Highways 80 and 99 between the hours of 7-8 am, and 3:30-4:30 pm. You drive like idiots, and I’ve nearly been killed more times than I care to think about. So, why don’t you just take an hour off, and sleep? I know you need it! Plus, you have a bed in your truck. I’d never drive again!

4) Merging does not require an engraved invitation. When I slow down slightly, and there is CLEARLY room for your vehicle, just do it. Those people who start merging and then slam on the brakes on the side of the freeway and sit there? I want to punch you in the mouth. Merging in three easy steps: look at traffic already driving and adjust your speed, start picking up speed so you’re not going 35 while everyone else is going 70, and then DRIVE. You can do it.

5) If you swerve while you text, eat, apply makeup or any other sort of behavior not immediately pertaining to driving, than for the love of god, don’t do it. I am an awesome texter, so I can do it. No one knows the difference. But I see those of you who need your hands at 10 and 2 to even maintain a decent straight line, and I just wish you would do it!

6) STAY IN YOUR OWN LANE. I’m a big believer in the principle of the space cushion. I am also super neurotic. So, stay centered in your lane. Don’t sit next to me, don’t hide in my blind spot. Please maintain adequate space from me, and drive in the center of your lane. This especially applies to those of you who seem to be petrified of the white side wall and choose to hug the right side of your lane, nearly side-swiping me while driving. Not cool, peeps. Not cool at all.

7) Turn down your damn music! I hate the thumping bass, the blaring mariachi, and feeling like I’m in a rock concert when I’m next to you. I prefer to hear my own sounds, usually NPR or some foul hip hop. Whatever my pleasure that day, THAT’S WHAT I WANT TO HEAR.