Bathroom adventures

I’ve never been a big fan of public restrooms. I mean, is anyone? Does anyone really say, “Hey, here I am at Target! You know what I want to do? USE THE BATHROOM! YAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!” I get it, OK? No one loves it. I, however, am a bit of a special case. My oldest and dearest friends will totally attest to the fact that when I used the restroom for quite some time, I’d demand that someone else accompany me. Why? Because I am petrified of vomit, which is a doozy of an entry that I’m saving for when I’ve had some wine and I’m really ready to open up. At one point, my fear and phobia of bathrooms was so bad that I flat out refused to pee in a public restroom with more than one stall. This means that I had a list of established “safe” bathrooms: Starbucks, some Taco Bells, gas stations, etc. with one-person bathrooms. If it was NOT a one-person bathroom, than I refused to use it, except in the most dire of emergencies. Instead, I would leave work to go home and use the bathroom, or hold it for as long as possible. In case you’re not aware, let me just say that holding it for a long time is THE WORST THING YOU CAN DO. So, don’t do it. Unless you enjoy peeing blood and taking horse pills.

Anyways, now that you’re all intimately aware of my issues with public restrooms, let me tell you about the good and the bad. The good: I can go to the bathroom all alone now. I still hate it, and plug my ears, and fear vomit at every turn, but I’ve overcome enough of my fear to at least freaking use it. The bad: I still hate it, and now have the privilege of sharing a bathroom with other teachers at work. The good: it is a one person bathroom, THANK GOD. The bad: it is absolutely revolting.

Riddle me this, adults: if you use a bathroom, one that is shared with 10+ others, how do YOU treat it? Do you leave the seat up? Do you refuse to bring the new roll of toilet paper down? Do you leave the sanitary napkin holder open so that everyone can see what you just did? What? You don’t do any of those things? THAN PLEASE COME REPLACE THE FOOLS AT MY SCHOOL. I swear to god, this is what I come in to. Seat up, empty toilet paper, and used unmentionables spilling out. If it’s an extra bad day, you can add pee on the seat, or better yet, the floor! Just what I want! Pee on the floor! Hooray!

Yesterday, really took the cake for me though. Due to the weight loss extravaganza I’m currently embarking on, I’m drinking a ton of water—at least a gallon a day. This means I pee upwards of 10 times a day. This afternoon, I went to use the bathroom and noticed that it was locked. I waited about two minutes, and then wiggled my key in the little keyhole, trying to make sure it really wasn’t unlocked. OK, fine: I wanted whoever was in the bathroom to HURRY UP. I started doing the dance, really antsy and began considering using the most disgusting alternative ever, the kids bathroom. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the door opened, and a colleague of mine emerged.

In hand, she had Pond’s Cold Cream, makeup, and a variety of other grooming items. She feigned surprise at seeing me out there, waiting, in the wind and cold and freezing air, trying my hardest not to pee my very cute plaid pants. Instead of GETTING THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY, she stood there, offering salutations and greetings. I said hello, which seemed like more than enough for someone I barely know. I made a move for the door, and oops! SHE FORGOT SOMETHING. I tried to kind of push past her, but in she went. There we were in a tiny, one person bathroom. TOGETHER. Me, and some chick I don’t know well at all, who has apparently just Ponds Cold Creamed her face to death while I suffered outside the door. The door shut, and she sort of giggled. She grabbed whatever the hell it was off the sink, and then said goodbye. Uh, not necessary: GET OUT!

I went to sit down and the seat was up…BUT THERE WAS A SEAT COVER ON THE RIM, laid out as if she’d perched on top of that. What? I carefully scooted the seat cover off, and sat the lid down. Just as I was about to enjoy the sweet, sweet release that would occur, a freaking huge spider repelled down from the ceiling, dangling in front of my face before landing on my shoe! I screamed a little scream and finished peeing. I swear to god, I’ve not felt anything that good since…um, well…never mind (Hi Mom!).

The kicker came when I went to wash my hands, and apparently brushed up against the edge of the sink, which was literally soaking wet. Puddles of water gathered along the top. So, after my torturous wait, and awkward trapping in the bathroom with someone I don’t know at all, I also got to look like I had peed my pants.

If I wanted to look that way, I should have just done that in the first place, and saved myself the hassle.


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