On running…

I have a confession to make, Internet. You know that fat girl in middle school who complained she had asthma or cramps or rolled her ankle or felt nauseous or whatever else she could string together to avoid running?

That was me.

I hate running. I feel like the most disgusting human on the earth when I do it. It’s not pretty. I sweat, first of all, which is something I need NO HELP WITH. I am super neurotic about smelling good, so when I run and get all nasty, it really messes me up. And yeah, I know: sweating is THE POINT when you run, but I really hate it, OK? I like to smell like vanilla or clean laundry. Secondly, I cannot breathe. I literally gulp air in like an asthmatic, obese rhino who has just been shot and is being smothered to death. Watching me gulp air while “running” (that term is used loosely here) could be the most unattractive thing in the world. Also: there’s the hair situation. I have the world’s frizziest, craziest hair, and when I sweat, it looks like I just emerged from the foggiest day of the year because it gets all big and fuzzy and nasty, no matter what headband or product I slick through it first.

Runners are like a foreign people to me. I see them in their little tiny black spandex shorts, looking all zen with their IPod’s and tank tops, sunglasses on. They’re ALWAYS tan and pretty and so damn happy about the whole thing. “Oh, just got back from a short run…only 11 miles today. It was quick, you know, but it feels so good. I always feel so much more centered after a run.” They don’t look or sound like a dying rhino. They look and sound like I do after a good episode of The Real Housewives or an exceptional dessert: happy, satiated, and completely self-satisfied. Don’t even get me started about their legs and their skinny-ness. I swear, it takes all self-control for me not to punch them in their size 0 stomachs. These are the freaky robots I don’t understand. They probably really, really enjoy things like waking up at 4:30 to meditate and drinking water instead of coffee. These are the people who can sit through horrendous traffic and say, “Hey! It’s OK! It’s a sunny day!” These are the people that finish Christmas shopping in July, that have a year of savings in the bank “just in case” and who aced Pre-AP Calculus and Physics. THESE ARE NOT MY PEOPLE.

I’m not going to lie: I want to be them. I mean, I will always hate math and coffee will always be an essential part of this girl’s balanced breakfast, but in truth, I want little black shorts. I want to wear tiny Nike tank tops and look good in them. I want to be seen around the neighborhood, just running and not looking like I should be chasing a Three Musketeers on a string. And if anything can calm me down, and make me feel all zen and shit, I’ll do it. Seriously. And hello? Those legs! Those abs! I read Runners World for the pictures. I want my body to look like that.

This is why I’ve decided to take up running. To give me a challenge. To do something I find utterly intriguing and hard and ugly, and to hopefully learn to love it. To bring some discipline to my life. To show my middle school PE teachers that I can. And most of all, to prove to myself that I can overcome this aversion.

Who knows how it will go. I mean, really…I have no clue. But I’m going to take it slow. Start with some walking, and slowly build up to a run.

And I promise, when I’m all tan and thin and bragadocious about how much running “clears my mind”, I will totally let all you non-runners punch my in my six-pack abs.

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6 Comments

Filed under life with titch

6 responses to “On running…

  1. Carolin

    A) I am in love with you, lol. I feel like you plucked out part of my twisted little brain and typed it up far more eloquently and hilarious than I could have dreamed of. All the way to faking ailment to get out of running in middle school, lol. Fantastic.

    B) My husbanoid keeps trying to get me to run and so now we barter. “If you run for 30 seconds every few minutes, I’ll…” It’s a sick game. And since I’m super competitive and hate bailing on a challenge I do it. And want to die.

    PS – Last time we bartered for running time I “ran” into Jacqui Neault who is that tanned, skinny, zen like runner who says stuff like, “Oh, today is my 20 mile day. But it’s so beautiful out, who can complain.” That’s a quote. And I think she’s just one of the sweetest people ever but I still wanted to attack her. Viciously. Runners.

  2. kel

    Dude…I feel ya. I mean, I love running, but I’ve never reached the little black shorts part. And 11 miles? Eff that. My mileage tops out at 5. And I’m totally okay with that.

  3. Jen

    You really must put some sort of amusing disclaimer at the beginning of these things because Diet Coke does in fact burn the crap out of your nose when it’s forced out of there unexpectedly. Just sayin’….

    Anyhoo, good luck on your running venture!

  4. Amy

    Oh my gosh! Your blog always has me laughing, but this one really hit home. I know exactly what you mean about the skinny runners and their obnoxious zen-ness and that even in our hatred of them we want nothing more than to be just like them. Good luck on your new journey and keep the funny coming:)

  5. Mighty Mouse

    Hey Amy, I’ve been running since Jan to get weight off, and really it is an ugly sight, but you gotta do, what you gotta do. I like to say that I only like running when it’s over, that’s why it feels so good, cause you get to stop. 🙂 Good luck!

  6. That’s exactly it, the sweating that irks me the most. I don’t know why it is but I cannot STAND sweating and that’s what makes exercise not appealing in any sense. Well, that and the fact that I never feel better after I do it unlike every other person out there. I’m not envigorated, I’m tired.

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