This is a very sensitive subject…

I’m not sure why this post is so hard for me to write. If you’ve met me or even seen a photo of me than YOU KNOW. It’s not a secret, because it’s in plain sight. I joke about it. I mock myself and call myself names and try to be as self-deprecating as possible, because it hurts less. I hate talking about it. Even though, HELLO, it’s obvious if you have eyes, for some reason, it feels like a failure to me.

I’m overweight.

It really isn’t anything new. I was always a bigger girl growing up—I have a “woman’s body” for sure—hips and boobs and thighs and truth be told, I like it. I like looking like a girl. But there is a time when you go from being curvy to being a fatty, and trust me I’M THERE.

When I was in college, I dropped a ton of weight. In all honesty, it was too much weight. Friends teased me and said I looked like a bobble head doll. It was a bit of an obsession: long trips to the gym, constant weigh-ins, eating very little. Still, I was thin. I could buy clothes at the kids department. My hip bones poked out.

But slowly and surely, as my life grew more and more stressful, until finally falling apart, I gained weight. More weight than I’d lost. Food is a comfort to me, and I love it. I love eating and cooking and baking. Oh, and I hate working out. I watched as all of the hours at the gym, the denied treats, the learning about healthy eating went down the tubes. GONE.

Even typing this is hard. It sucks to admit that yeah, I did it once. And then I gained it back. I screwed it up. For some reason, typing it out makes it real. Even though I’ve bought the bigger clothes, seen pictures, and obviously look in the mirror every damn day and see myself, it’s hard to admit.

Rest assured that this post is not to simply wax nostalgic and moan about my fatness. My life has come back together, stronger than it has ever before in the past few years. I’m in a career I love, I’m more financially stable than I’ve ever been, and I’m in love with an amazing man. This weight loss feels like the final frontier of really getting my life together.

The time has come to do something about it. I miss being able to wear whatever I want, to take silly photos without being self-conscious, to love being outside and active. Not to mention the obvious fact that it’s not healthy. I don’t like to think about the strain I put on my body. I want to be healthy and confident.

It’s hard for me to write about this publicly: what if I fail again? What if I say yeah, I’m gonna do this and then I screw it up once again? The last thing I want is for everyone in real life AND the internet knowing that I’m STILL a fatty.

Still, it is my hope that maybe, just maybe, doing this in a public forum will help.

So, here’s the plan:

1) I joined Operation Muffin Topple. Check it out! It’s definitely not for the faint-of-heart, because it’s all about Gordon Ramsay style motivation. I got my Phat Nickname today: Flabucino. Perfect for my coffee-loving self. I’m looking forward to hangin’ out with all of my fellow weight-loss attempting chickies.

2) I just want to go down on record now and say that I’m fortunate enough to live with a guy who is helpful. I hear about some boyfriends who you know, order pizza and drink beer in the presence of their girlfriend, just to taunt or tempt. Andrew is on a health and weight-loss kick of his own and is incredibly supportive. We buy only healthy food, rarely eat out, and he trains me in the gym. In fact, he made me do so many frickin’ lunges the other night that my legs STILL HURT. In all seriousness, I’m grateful to have a built-in partner and cheerleader.

3) I’ve set a caloric goal, and a workout schedule. And damn it, I’m gonna stick to it.

4) While I know that no one wants to read only about my diet, and I know that I don’t want to write exclusively about it, I will be occasionally posting about the journey…about how much I’ve lost, about what I’ve learned, about good recipes, about workouts and how angry I am that I am NOT EATING DESSERT. Comment! Join me! Share your secrets. Encourage me. I’ll need it–trust me.

Also, I’m gonna tan, because the only thing worse than being fat, is being fat and PASTY.

If you’re my friend in real life, let’s plan something healthy to do: go for a walk, rollerblade (Leslie?), hit the gym. Oh, and for the love of all things holy, if you see me putting anything bad in my mouth SLAP IT OUT OF MY HAND.

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16 Comments

Filed under FATTY!, life with titch

16 responses to “This is a very sensitive subject…

  1. Sister, I’m both fat AND pasty. Nothing like a translucent fatty walking the streets…

  2. Kim

    thanks so much for this post amy. i’m right there with you and you are definitely encouraging me to get moving and lose some of my weight. can’t wait to hear more about your journey!!!

  3. kel

    I completely relate to this. About feeling like a “failure” and everything else. Well, that’s not entirely true. I really love to work out, but I love to eat even more. Good luck!

  4. Jen

    Dude, I could have written this exact post myself. Right down to the pasty part. Monday I start my new diet as well. (I’m way OCD about starting new things on Mondays. lol) I’m hoping to be at least 25 pounds lighter by my birthday, so I’ll encourage you if you’ll encourage me!

  5. Sam

    This is a brave post! Good for you, it will only help to be accountable here. I am with you – it’s a no brainer why you never see any shots of me on my website – and it’s even harder because I was once a very naturally skinny girl who balks at figuring out calories, fat, all of that. But something’s gotta give! Good luck and YOU CAN DO IT!

  6. Flabucino —

    Wonderful post…so many of us can identify and we’re here to all support one another and kick each other’s cottage cheese lard butts into action! We don’t want Skeletor, we just want to feel better about ourselves and re-train ourselves not to bury our feelings into food and sloth-u-lousity!

    Looking forward to keeping up with your progress…I’m getting my hair done, a spray tan AND my brows shaped next week…I’m hoping the new oompa loompa look helps motivate me!

    xo – Ki

  7. Mrs. Talbot

    Honey
    You are so inspirational and everything you wrote hits home for me too. I know it has been a constant journey for me up and down in weight and pregnancies ect. I KNOW if anyone can do this IT IS YOU AMY! You have a great man a great life and now it is time to shed the protective layers that are holding you hostage! You dont need them anymore you are in a GREAT space in life.
    I love you VERY much and you can come up anytime all summer time if you want to get out with me in Tahoe where EVERYONE is active and healthy lets do it hiking, kayaking, running, walking, swimming, biking, meditating, healthy eating ect……
    I would suggest metamucil in the morning and before dinner also go to http://www.ariseandshine.com order the chomper herbal supplement 20.00 for the small amount. This will kick start your system into a cleanse while you go on your new venture..no side effects it is 23 natural herbs that help with digestion and cleansing. We use it all the time and it is amazing. It isn’t diet pills just a supplement to break down crap in you and get you cleaned out the right way. Also bananas reduce bloating within 30min and one apple will give you as much energy as a cup of coffee. Did you know when you eat an apple you lose weight? True story apples have 70calories it takes 130 calories for your body to digest an apple thus you lose 60calories just by eating one! Go figure!
    I love you and support you and am kicking myself into high health gear with you! Always xo M

  8. Gina Savage

    Good job sister! Just for your health and happiness you can do this!!!

    Come to my gym sometime — please! Bring Andrew with you… I loathe working out too but Fitness MD keeps it sooo interesting and fun. It’s not a 24 or a cal fit by any stretch of the imagination! It is hardcore but FUN! You may come for a week free to check it. Each day the classes change to a new routine and they keep it interesting by doing new things. The trainers are super friendly, all certified, and committed to you.

    If you join, your trainer gives you a diet plan incorporating food you eat and love, a monthly assessment (first month you could do 30 push ups in a minute, the next month you can do 50 push ups), they test your body fat and weight every month…

    Also, if you don’t show up after a week, they CALL you… They hold you accountable to come… it’s sooo good… Call or text me if you interested in coming!!

  9. L

    Rollerblading anytime, you know my schedule is free!

  10. Audrey

    Getting back on WW next week, so I am right there with you! Stop by after school any time, and you can walk with Charlie and I!

  11. Christina

    Way to be Amy! You are a very brave woman for writing about this publically. You have no idea how close to home this post is for me. I am the exact same way. I hate to say it, but I cried as I read it and as I write this (which is also awful to say publically). I would totally partake in healthy activities with you if I lived anywhere near you! Best of luck to you!

  12. i am walking this path with you, uh huh. i came to the realization recently that it was time to shed the weight gain from my bed rest, having twins and then the grief gain over the past couple of years. so i’ve been eating healthy and not eating the crap, i started aquafit in February and then in March started swimming laps and 2 weeks ago, i started a running clinic and am running 3x a week. i can feel myself getting stronger and it feels good. in two months, i’ve lost 10 pounds and that makes me so happy. believe me, i have a lot left to lose and i know its not going to be easy but i feel like i am on my way to myself.

    you can totally do this and so can i because it feels good to be happy with who we are while getting healthy and honouring ourselves … i am grateful everyday for the life that i am living and am ready to gift my body with the same power that i have emotionally.

    xo

  13. Angel

    Whenever you walk to take a jog along the river, give me a call. My own jogging and weight loss has been going great so I totally support you in this and if you need a partner for something let me know. OH! I’ve wanted to go to Pipeworks and try indoor rock climbing for a long time but I’ve never found anyone who is interested. Think you might be? It’s supposed to be a damn good workout! http://www.touchstoneclimbing.com/sp.html

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  15. Carolina

    I don’t know why it took me so long to read this, as I am an avid Amy Estes follower. You make my face hurt from smiling and laughing.

    I just want to say that I completely understand the battle of weight gain and loss. Losing weight was most certainly the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and the most trying goal I’ve set for myself. And I can understand just as easily how much harder it is to accept that while you lost weight once, you’ve gained some back. I’ve never allowed myself to place my personal worth on the size of my waist or the number on the scale, but it definitely does have an affect on my entire being.

    But I know you can do it. You accomplished it once and it is certainly in your power to accomplish it again. I think to myself often that many people never achieve the goal of weightloss in their lifetime, but you have in your 20s!

    Beautiful, it will be yours again. You deserve nothing less than confidence in every pose, smile and picture 🙂 The world needs people like you…

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